Evan's Birth Story [3 months later]

It was Monday, June 1st when I went in for my 41 week check up. Evan was showing no signs of coming on his own, so we set up an induction date for the following week. During my pregnancy, my blood pressure was considered "high" but not out of normal range; however, with this appointment, it was a little too high and I was told to monitor it the following day and if it got too high, to call my doctor and I would be sent to the hospital to deliver my baby. TALK. ABOUT. TERRIFYING.

The next morning, I just didn't feel right. I had an extremely awful headache and couldn't get rid of it. It was then I knew that we would heading to the hospital that day. Around noon I called Matt to come home from work. Since I wasn't in labor and was completely panicked, I cleaned our house, repacked all of the hospital bags, took almost an hour long shower, and then blow dried and straightened my hair. After trying to calm my nerves, I called my OB and was instructed to head to the hospital to be induced for gestational hypertension. We were having a baby... soon.

The day we went to the hospital

I always said I didn't want an induction, I had wanted things to happen on their own. I am a person who doesn't handle change well and an induction was NOT in my birth plan. I cried on the way to the hospital, at the time I thought it was because things weren't going my way, but looking back, it was because I was terrified. Matt didn't say anything, but I know he had to have been scared, too.

When we got to the hospital around 3:30 and hooked up to check on the baby, his heart rate was high, so it took about 30 minutes of IV fluid to get him to settle down to get a better judge on how he was actually doing. My OB and I had already discussed a plan on how I would be induced. She knew I didn't want an induction, but even more, knew I really did not want a cesarean (and truthfully, she didn't want to do one), so she made sure that every step was taken to make me labor slowly and as much on my own as possible.

I was not dilated or thinned out at all, and Evan had not dropped (meaning my body was not at all ready for labor), so we had to start very slow. Around 5:30pm I had Cervidil placed. Cervidil is inserted to ripen the cervix in preparation for childbirth. It sat for 12 hours. About 2 hours after it was inserted, contractions began. They became painful within 3 hours and I couldn't sleep. The next morning at 5:30, when it came out, I had only dilated to a 1, so a folley bulb was placed and I was started on a very low dose of Pitocin. I won't gross you out with the details of the bulb, but I will say that it wasn't comfortable and it took it 6 hours to get me dilated. With the bulb, my contractions became very regular and were hitting the top of the pain charts, which was great because that meant that Evan would be coming soon.

The bulb came out around 11:30am and then my water was manually broken around noon. If I thought the contractions were strong before, they were killer after my water broke. With the bulb out, I had the freedom to move around. I used the time to wash my face, brush my teeth (4 times), fix my hair, and throw some water-proof eye make up on. I walked around, rocked with Matt, and tried to get through the contractions as best as I could. I had planned on an epidural-free birth, but when the nurse told me I still had 5-8 hours left of labor (it ended up being 11 hours later), I decided that I needed one or I wouldn't be able to push since I hadn't slept at all. Around 2:00 I got my epidural.

Around 11:30pm my nurse came and checked me. I was fully dilated. My OB had me labor down for an hour, which helped tremendously. At 12:20 my nurse came in and wanted me to do a couple practice pushes to see how well I could do it and if Evan would be coming out easily. I pushed once and she told me to stop because he was coming fast and my doctor needed time to get there. At 12:45 we began actively pushing and mine and Matt's sweet 8 pound 1 ounce baby entered our world at 1:18am Thursday, June 4th. I fell in love all over again with those first cries.

Photo credit: Jessica Ebeler Photography

Photo credit: Jessica Ebeler Photography

Grieving IS Normal

 I keep having this dream where I am holding my baby and Matt is smiling down at us when all of a sudden I look down and my baby is gone...

I wake up sweating and crying and looking for my baby. But my baby isn't there. Because it was a dream and I don't have a baby.
It has been 3 months since my miscarriage - and I am still grieving.

Sometimes, I think that I should not feel sad every time I see a couple with their new baby or when they announce they are expecting. But I do. Every time. My eyes still dart to babies and then quickly away and that sadness still tugs on my heart. How much time is too much time to grieve? If you want my opinion, I don't think there should be a time limit on how long you are allowed to be sad. Some think that you should just pick up and go about with your normal life within a few weeks. To me, that seems not only absurd, but impossible. Honestly, I do not know if I will ever FULLY stop grieving over the loss of my first child. But, the Bible tells us that it is okay to mourn, because God is there to comfort you in times where it seems like there really is no way out.

I have been asked (a lot) if Matt and I are still "trying" to have a baby. As rude as it is, people have asked me multiple times, and my answer is always yes. I have also been asked, "how do you know when you are ready to try again?" My answer to that is that I am not 100% sure that I am. I am letting God decide. I know that I have fears of it happening again, and I fear that I will forget about my first pregnancy, and along with that, I fear all the normal things that are associated with being pregnant and having your first child. Along with all the fears and uncertainty, I know that God is not going to give me more than I can handle and that I will be okay through it all. God is the best support system to have. Plus, I have the sweetest little angel watching over me, his/her daddy, and all their future brothers and sisters... and that's pretty awesome.

"Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted" Matthew 5:4.
 "The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit" Psalm 34:18.

 It has been very hard for me to fully trust in God and to let him comfort me in these past few months. But I am finally starting to get there. My heart is still broken, and a little piece will always be missing, and I think that is normal.  It has been 3 months since my miscarriage - and I am still grieving, and regardless of what others may think, that is okay.

Why I Don't Care if My Husband Sees Your Boobs

Recently, some of my Facebook friends have been sharing a blog post titled "My Husband Doesn't Need to See Your Boobs". Since I haven't had anything that I have felt the need to blog about, I have decided that I feel pretty passionately about my feelings towards this blog post so I am going to throw my opinions out in the open for anyone and everyone to criticize.

Honestly, I have, and probably always will be, a woman who will wear what I want to, when I want to because dang it, I am a grown woman and will do what I want. Typically, as long as they aren't running around naked, I don't care what other women wear. If you want to wear a bikini, knock yourself out.I don't care if you want to post pictures of your spring break trip on Facebook for everyone, even my husband (gasp!), to see.

Do you want to know why? My husband chose ME. He chose me with all my imperfections and insecurities. He chose me with my wide hips, my scarred stomach that has a small pouch, he chose my cellulite covered thighs that are a little thicker than I'd like them to be. My husband chose me for who I am and the body that will one day bear his children (extra pounds and all).

I have insecurities just like any other woman in the world, I look through pictures and think "I wish I looked that good in a bikini" and "Look at how flat her stomach is, I wish mine looked like that". We notice the tiny details of other women's bodies... Want to know a secret? Men usually don't. Boobs are just boobs to them - not feelings of anything other than a glance. Just because a man glances at another woman doesn't mean he loves you any less, it doesn't even mean he finds her attractive. Instead of blaming the women who you believe are dressing immodestly and expecting them to "cover up so your husband doesn't have the temptation", look in the mirror and evaluate your own insecurities. Stop shaming the women who are confident with the way they look and do something to become confident in your own skin.

The point of this post is not to shame those who are insecure, but to offer an insight from someone who can be insecure. Someone who knows that sometimes it is hard to see women who look great all the time when you don't feel your best. But please, remember that your husband married you and you hold his heart. None of the other women have that.  You are beautiful to the man who promised you FOREVER. Love yourself and the body that God gave you - it's yours for the rest of your life, so you might as well embrace it!

To read the article in reference, click here.

My [not so expert] Marriage Advice

As many of my friends and family are getting married, I am getting asked for marriage advice. I am, by no means, an expert. I am still learning to be a good wife and life partner and if you want the truth, I think I will spend the rest of my life trying to figure out how to be the best wife that I can be. That being said, here are the things that I have learned over the course of my short 3 1/2 years of marriage. These are in no particular order.


1. Serve your spouse. Daily. The Bible tells us to serve others and to have a servant's heart. This should definitely not exclude your spouse. Serving your spouse is something that I have found to be extremely rewarding - you are serving not to receive something in return, but to please your spouse and to please the Lord. Before this part gets misunderstood, I am not saying that by serving your spouse that you should be waiting on them hand and foot or that you should do everything for them. Serving could be something as simple as putting their laundry away or rubbing their back after a long day. Serving is something you do because you WANT to, not to get something in return.

2. Do not speak poorly of your spouse.  I am not saying that when you have an issue with your spouse that you shouldn't talk to a friend about it, but be very careful who you speak with about the problems in your marriage. Sometimes, our friends and family are not as quick to forgive your spouse as you are. The last thing you want is people to think your spouse is terrible and your marriage is suffering just because in a moment of anger, you degraded your spouse. Respect your spouse. Always.
Along with that, don't air your dirty laundry. I feel like this one should go without saying, but unfortunately, I have noticed that people are quick to jump to Facebook when they have issues with their spouse. I know this is an issue that a lot of couples struggle with. It's easy to go to your Facebook page where everyone is going to be on your side - but don't do it! When I am angry with Matt, instead of a "pity me" post online, I talk to him about how he is making me feel. I will cover this more in a minute. The bottom line is the old quote "Don't show weakness in your marriage because that's the perfect time for someone else to try to come in".

3. Communication. This is something that I personally struggled with in the beginning of my marriage and still find myself struggling with now. Sometimes it is easier to hold in all your issues instead of getting them out in the open to avoid an argument. Let me just say that holding in your issues makes them way bigger and then, when you finally snap (which you will), all those built up feelings surface and it's not pretty, for anyone. Communication is the key to a solid relationship - don't just air your negative feelings, praise your spouse when they do something kind for you or kind for someone else. Even as schedules get busy between you and your spouse, MAKE time DAILY to openly communicate with each other. That means to put the cell phone down and spend time with your significant other...

4. Go to bed angry, if you need to. When Matt and I first got married, the advice that I received the most was to "not go to bed angry". I find that advice to be ridiculous. Why should I have to put my feelings on a time limit? In the beginning of our marriage, I always tried to live by that rule, but found myself to still stew on old problems. If you are still angry when bed time rolls around, who cares? Go to bed and wake up with a clearer mind about the issue. It doesn't mean you love your spouse any less. Even when I am angry, I still let Matt know how much I love him and how much I appreciate him. I think that is always important to feel the way you need to feel, and if you want to be angry, then be angry! At the end of the day, your spouse knows that you still love them.

5. Encourage your spouse. Build your spouse up on the positive. You're there to be your spouse's support system in good times and bad. Always be an encouragement to them because even if they don't say it, they appreciate it and need it.

6. Receive your spouse's love. This sounds absurd, I know. But you wouldn't believe the amount of times I see wives, mostly, complaining that their husbands don't send them flowers anymore or bring home candy for them or whatever they *think* they should be doing to show their love. This is marriage - not dating. It's a whole new ball game. That doesn't mean that those treatments should stop after marriage, but don't expect it to happen all the time. When you are married, love is shown in SO many different ways. It took me a while to realize this myself. Love is shown whether you see it or not. When they do the dishes or when they make dinner so you don't have to. When they wake up with the baby so you can get those extra few minutes of sleep. When they let you pick the movie or when they trade food with you at the restaurant because what your ordered doesn't taste good. They are doing those things in service and out of love for you. Appreciate it. Reciprocate it. Love each other and always find new ways to show you love each other. Hey, maybe even throw in a 'thank you' every now and then.



The bottom line is to love and appreciate your spouse for who they are. Communicate with each other and don't focus on what they do wrong - focus on what they are doing right. No one has a perfect marriage so just buckle up and enjoy the rest of your life with the one God made for you.

Using a Miscarriage as a Learning Experience

As I was lying in bed one night, listening to my husband snore and reading through different blogs and articles, I stumbled upon a blog by Scissor Tail Silk titled "Hope After Miscarriage". After reading the blog, and finding myself in a mess of tears, I decided to share the blog on my own Facebook page. After just going through a miscarriage myself 2 months prior, the subject of a miscarriage was still an extremely touchy subject. Posting that article was the first time that I told anyone besides my mom, mother-in-law, and sister about my miscarriage and it opened up an entire new world to me. A world where I allowed my internet friends to see me completely vulnerable. It was by posting that article that the idea of blogging came to me, actually, a comment from my high school Calculus teacher that said "God will use your experience to help many others. It's all about allowing God to make a positive from a negative". 

That being said, here in my first blog post, I will talk about my miscarriage openly with complete strangers.

It was a Monday evening when I took that first test. My husband, Matt, and I had been trying for almost 3 years to have a miracle of our own and I was late. When we both walked into the bathroom and saw those two lines, I cried and we held each other for what seemed like hours. It had finally happened - God was going to finally give us what we both so desperately wanted, a baby.

Fast forward 3 weeks. I woke up Sunday morning and I knew something was wrong. I was bleeding and had the worst pain I have ever felt in my lower abdomen. After a couple phone calls, Matt took me to the Emergency Room of our local hospital. After 2 exams, a blood test, and an early ultrasound, the doctor told me that I was 6-7 weeks along and that the baby was seemingly fine, and that if I was miscarrying, they couldn't tell at this point and I would have to come back the following Tuesday for blood testing to figure out if I actually was losing my baby. Deep down, I already knew the answer. I prayed and I prayed "God, please let my baby be OK. Please protect my baby". But the blood work came back a few days later and confirmed our worst fears, I had lost the baby. 

There is nothing that can prepare you for the emotional pain that you feel when you hear those words.
In the weeks that followed my miscarriage, I was so depressed. I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't even LOOK at a baby with out breaking down. Living so far away from both mine and Matt's family didn't help - the only reassurance I got from my family was "It will happen when it's time", "It happened because there was something wrong", or (my personal favorite) "Maybe you lost the baby because you aren't near your family and you will need the additional help". While I know (or am assuming?) these words were supposed to be helpful and encouraging, they were not. No words from anyone seemed helpful or encouraging.

Throughout the weeks that followed, I found myself crying out to God, "Why me? Why MY baby?" I felt as though He had let me down. Then, with a simple comment from my high school Calculus teacher, it hit me. Instead of letting losing my baby negatively affect my life, I need to use it as a learning experience and use it as a way to encourage others. Instead of being angry with God and running from Him, I need to be running to Him and praising Him. I should be praising God for being able to carry that sweet baby for those 6 short weeks, and I should find peace knowing that He is cradling my baby safely in His arms. My baby will never know hurt or pain. My baby has peace with our Lord and that is where the true comfort comes from. So now I know that God truly had answered my prayers, my baby is more than OK and is more protected than I could even imagine.


God has a plan for everyone. I truly believe that. While losing our baby has been one of the hardest challenges Matt and I have ever had to face, we have both learned so much from it. We still don't know what God has in store for our life together (hopefully lots of little curly-haired babies), but that's the way He intended it to be. So for now, we will just keep taking life as it comes and continue to love each other (and our furbabies), live life for Him, love Him, and praise Him in good and in bad times that are certain to come our way.

Our 3 Furbabies, Mercedes, Thor, & Twiggy

 


If you would like you read the article that inspired this blog post, you can find it here.