I keep having this dream where I am holding my baby and Matt is smiling down at us when all of a sudden I look down and my baby is gone...
I wake up sweating and crying and looking for my baby. But my baby isn't there. Because it was a dream and I don't have a baby.
It has been 3 months since my miscarriage - and I am still grieving.
Sometimes, I think that I should not feel sad every time I see a couple with their new baby or when they announce they are expecting. But I do. Every time. My eyes still dart to babies and then quickly away and that sadness still tugs on my heart. How much time is too much time to grieve? If you want my opinion, I don't think there should be a time limit on how long you are allowed to be sad. Some think that you should just pick up and go about with your normal life within a few weeks. To me, that seems not only absurd, but impossible. Honestly, I do not know if I will ever FULLY stop grieving over the loss of my first child. But, the Bible tells us that it is okay to mourn, because God is there to comfort you in times where it seems like there really is no way out.
I have been asked (a lot) if Matt and I are still "trying" to have a baby. As rude as it is, people have asked me multiple times, and my answer is always yes. I have also been asked, "how do you know when you are ready to try again?" My answer to that is that I am not 100% sure that I am. I am letting God decide. I know that I have fears of it happening again, and I fear that I will forget about my first pregnancy, and along with that, I fear all the normal things that are associated with being pregnant and having your first child. Along with all the fears and uncertainty, I know that God is not going to give me more than I can handle and that I will be okay through it all. God is the best support system to have. Plus, I have the sweetest little angel watching over me, his/her daddy, and all their future brothers and sisters... and that's pretty awesome.
"Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted" Matthew 5:4.
"The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit" Psalm 34:18.
It has been very hard for me to fully trust in God and to let him comfort me in these past few months. But I am finally starting to get there. My heart is still broken, and a little piece will always be missing, and I think that is normal. It has been 3 months since my miscarriage - and I am still grieving, and regardless of what others may think, that is okay.
